Time was made to be spent

I don’t know why my seventeen-year-old cousin had to die. When my grandmother passed away, she was seventy-two. Although her death was equally heartbreaking, her’s somehow made more sense – she had had the opportunity to build a life, and my cousin’s was just beginning.

I think about the last time I spoke to him – when he snuck out from his parent’s house a mere 4 or so blocks away. He was cancer free, and that is how I like to remember him. He was 12? 13? I don’t remember and sometimes that keeps me away at night.

When someone dies, you hear a lot about how great that person was, how radiant their smile was or how loving they were and how they always seemed happy despite maybe having a wrong hand at life; and it makes you wonder why you never told them when they were to hear it – like “hey, I miss you so much can we get together just to catch up?” And then they die and then you can’t.

I like to think of life as a string of experiences – both good and bad – and how you are not the only person that makes those memories, but so do the people you choose to surround yourself with. Every day you get to make that choice.

I think of how when I was younger, how all I wanted was him – my cousin to join me in drinking kool aid and riding our Razor scooters. I never got to tell him how much I loved those memories, but deep down I know he knew.

This may sound incredibly morbid, but when I sat next to him those last few memories, I wondered what he was thinking – if he knew everyone who loved him was surrounding him, or if he knew I was there screaming in my head, “I love you! I’m sorry! You were always my favorite!”

The night he passed away, I had a dream. He wasn’t sick anymore and he had all his hair. He sat at my kitchen table – but it was the old kitchen from when I was younger – blue carpet, wooden cabinets that were fading. He was being served cherry Kool Aid from my grandmother, back when she could do that before she became paralyzed by arthritis. They couldn’t see me. That’s when I knew he had heard me.

And then I got to thinking about heaven – I know many people don’t believe it, and now that I am no longer a naive Catholic school girl, I know better than to think heaven is within the clouds. I like to think that when we die, we do go some place great. Like when people pass away from cancer, like my cousin did, chemotherapy doesn’t even exist there – and when you get there you can choose what you want to look like. Like my cousin probably wished for hair and my grandmother probably wished to look like what she did in her twenties when she fell in love with my grandfather.

I think a lot about wasting time too – how time was created to be spent, not wasted. Honestly, if you want to rekindle a friendship or a relationship go for it before it’s too late, before they are gone and you’re aching to remember what their voice sounds like.

I like to lay in bed at night and wait to hear their voices – most of the time I can’t and I wonder if it will last the rest of my life. But then, I remember that it will always be like this because I loved them and I know they loved me. And then I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Purse Necessities

I never used to be much of a purse/bag person. Occasionally I would wear a small cross-body bag, or a cute wristlet. Now that I have gotten older I take my purse/tote everywhere. The following lists are what I carry in my bag, and recommend every woman carry them too!

Wallet: Duh, right! Of course you need this to carry your money, change, credit cards, and of course your I.D. to enjoy some lovely alcoholic beverages after a hard day at work. This is the one I use because it isn’t too big, but still carries all my essentials.

Pepper Spray: I carry this in my bag because since I am a waitress, I often leave work late at night and have to walk across the parking lot in the dark. Thankfully, I have never had to use it, but I have it on my keychain along with my keys just in case.

Any and all kinds of chapstick: I use EOS chapstick, Blistex chapstick and the regular Chapstick brand, partly because I am indecisive about my chapstick and because my lips get crackin’ hardcore in the winter. It is always nice to keep your lips healthy and moisturized.

Hand sanitizer // Lotion: The germaphobe in me definitely comes in right before I go out to lunch, after I pump gas at the gas station, and literally everywhere in between. Having hand sanitizer in your bag is essential, in my opinion, especially in the winter. I also have a mini size of Bath and Body Works lotion in my bag as well.

Mini deodorant // hair spray: I never believed in having deodorant in my bag because I always believed it to be unnecessary. But since I have become a waitress and work almost ten hours a day, running back and forth between tables, having a backup deodorant is nice to have. Hair spray is also nice to keep in your bag when you have both a casual and professional night out, to keep your hair looking elegant and in place.

Gum // Mints: It’s always nice to have fresh breath! Or, sometimes I forget to pack my lunch for when I am on break in between classes on campus. Sometimes chewing on some gum subsides my hunger until I am able to get some real food into my stomach.

Tide To Go Stick // Mini Clorox Wipes: Working at an Italian restaurant, I have made having tomato sauce on a shirt a fashion statement. However, most guests don’t want their waitress greeting them with a shirt full of tomato sauce stains. The Tide To Go Stick takes out the stain in a matter of minutes. I know that having clorox wipes in my purse really makes it seem as though I am a hardcore germaphobe, but they really do come in handy. One day I spilled a to go carton of Cajun pasta in my car, and the clorox wipes helped maintain the mess until I got home!

Lipstick // Compact Mirror: I don’t carry a full size lipstick, but a small travel one that comes in handy when I need to touch up my lipstick. And, of course the compact mirror comes in handy for any and all makeup needs you may have while on the go.

Pain medication // GUM Toothpicks: I have always made sure that I had pain medicine in case of an abrupt stomachache or headache, especially when I knew I would be on the go all day. I always have GUM toothpicks in my purse as well, especially when I go out to eat just in case something were to get stuck between my teeth.

* Happy purse filling! I hope you fill your purse with these great necessities. What items do you put in your purse?

My answers to the weirdest interview questions

Last night (or morning), while I was battling insomnia I came across this Mashable article that released the weirdest interview questions that top companies ask when interviewing a potential employee, and since I will officially be on the job market, I figured I would take a stab at answering them.

DISCLAIMER: These are potential answers, and I didn’t write them to be perfect. They will most likely become funny and ramble as I will most likely overthink them; it’s what I do.

1. From Airbnb: “What would you do if you were the one survivor in a plane crash?”
– Well, depending on where the plane crashed, I would do my best to fight through the rubble, and then run and find help anywhere I could. If it was in the ocean – I would probably just cry.

2. From Squarespace: “What’s your favorite 90’s jam?”
– Easy. “Mr. Jones” by The Counting Crows.

3. From Dropbox: “If you woke up and had 2,000 unread emails and could only answer 300 of them, how would you choose which ones to answer?” 
– Considering I am not tech savvy, I would probably just do eenie miney moe. Humph.

4. From Stanford University: “Who would win in a fight between Spider-man and Batman?”
– Batman. Seriously, Bruce Wayne wins every time. No question. Plus, Batman has Alfred by his side.

5. From Aksia: “If you had a machine that produced $100 for life, what would you be willing to pay for it today?”
– Wait, what?

6. From Banana Republic: “What did you have for breakfast?”
– I had toast with butter and some strawberries. (Although, maybe I should say banana. Ha!)

7. From Spirit Airlines: “How would you describe the color yellow to someone who is blind?”
– Very bright, looks as though it is hot or warm.

8. From Bose: “If you were asked to unload a 747 full of jellybeans, what would you do?”
– Are we talking about a 747 aircraft? Or am I missing something?

9. From Redbox: “How many people flew out of Chicago last year?”
– My guess would be way over a million, considering Chicago has one of the largest airports in the country.

10. From Coldstone Creamery: “Who’s your favorite Disney Princess?”
– My favorite has always been Cinderella because I was envious of her glass slipper as a child. However, deep down my heart will always belong to Winnie the Pooh.

* After answering these questions, I feel as though I should know all the answers to these random questions. Off to Google I go!

Top 10 Favorite Makeup Essentials

Even though I am a makeup fanatic, I don’t always go all out with my makeup. Most days, when I am running to class or work, I just put a little mascara and eyeliner, then I am good to go! But, here are my makeup favorites for when I have more time.

1. Lush Bubblegum Lip Scrub $9.95 – This was the first product that I even bought from Lush. The woman at the store told me it was used to exfoliate your lips before applying lipstick, but I use it right before bed. It keeps my lips from cracking before I apply my chapstick and it also makes my lips feel super smooth. Even better, the scrub is edible and tastes like bubblegum!

2. LashBlast Volume Waterproof Mascara $8.99 – I am a sucker for good mascara that makes my eyelashes long and curly (especially since i am scared to use an eyelash curler), and this mascara does just that. It’s affordable and works perfectly, and since it is in a larger console, it lasts awhile so I always feel as if I get my money’s worth.

3. Sephora Collection Contour Eye Pencil $10.00 – I don’t use these ones every day, because I mostly wear them on my top lid along with a light colored eye shadow. They are great for mixing colors so I have three of them. Since they are cheap, they are great eyeliners to try before buying expensive multi-colored eye pencils.

4. bareMinerals Original Foundation Broad Spectrum SPF 15 $28.00: I spent years using Neutrogena liquid foundation because of my acne prone skin, however since using Accutane, my dermatologist recommended I use a mineral based foundation. This is the one I use because it feels light against my skin, and I do not have to use a lot of powder to get full coverage. It works better with the use of this brush.

5. Lancome Le Style Waterproof Long Lasting Eyeliner $27.00 – Since I began wearing makeup in high school, I have always used this eyeliner. I had used “eye pencils” under my lower eyelid but because I had oily skin, the coal would melt making it look as if I had raccoon eyes. This eyeliner has never had that effect, and lasts all day.

6. Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner $20.00: Stila isn’t joking when they say “stay all day.” I wear this on my top lid because the sleek and smooth brush is perfect if you’re going for the “cat eye” look. I have never had this product smudge along my lid, making this my one and only favorite liquid eyeliner.

7. Hourglass Ambient Lighting Blush $35.00 – This blush is a little on the pricier sides of things, but it is still one of my favorite blushes. I have naturally rosy cheeks so it’s hard to find a blush that doesn’t make me look like a clown. Since this blush is combined with lighting power, it gives both color and a glow for the perfect shade of pink!

8. NARS Audacious Lipstick $32.00 – I will admit this is a little pricey just for lipstick, but because I am somewhat low maintenance, I don’t like having to reapply my lipstick multiple times a day. One day, I put this lipstick on at 9:30 in the morning, and I didn’t have to reapply it until 3:00 that afternoon. It’s magic.

9. Benefit Cosmetics Watt’s Up! $30.00 – I didn’t know what highlighter was until a few short months ago, but now I have no idea what I ever did without it. I apply it to only my cheek bones. I have bangs so I don’t need to apply it to my brow bones like most people do. Nevertheless, it gives your face a nice glow to it that is not over the top, but still radiant.

10. Urban Decay Naked Palette $54.00 – The three Urban Decay Naked Palette’s usually top everyone’s makeup lists because of their many different shades and long lasting wear. I have all three of them, and each separate shade will be able to work for everyone.

* Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy these products as much as I do!

Buckeye Donuts

buckeye donuts

Since it’s opening in 1969, Buckeye Donuts has been an Ohio State tradition. Most students on campus go there after a loud house party or breakfast as they rush to class. I am different. I still currently live with my parents so I don’t rush down High Street for class, I wait patiently for the CABS bus to take me to the Oval. 

And guess what? Most Ohio State students have their first Buckeye Donut experience their first month on campus. I am a senior, and since this morning at 12:39am, I was still a Buckeye Donut virgin.

Until I was walking along high street with four of my closest friends, and since the weather gods decided to bless Columbus with a high of 65 degrees, the old glass door to Buckeye Donuts was open, unveiling a delicious scent of glazed and jelly filled donuts.

So, naturally I went in.

And there I was, sitting in the original bar stools that were placed there in 1969, eating a chocolate frosted donut with rainbow sprinkles. And, of course, it was heaven.

Left that little donut shop wondering why I had waited almost four years to try it. Now I can full understand the tradition. Does this make me more of a Buckeye now?

lipstick and angel wings

There is a black and white photograph that rests on my aunt’s side table, up against her yellow painted wall and close enough to the window so the sunlight can beam against it. There are six women each with their arms wrapped around each other, their smiles showing how happy they are to be beside one another. They are all beautiful.

One of these women has short black hair and dark lipstick, round face with high cheek bones that she passed down to both her daughter and granddaughter. Her name is Margie, my grandmother.

This is the photo of her that I have etched into my memory late at night when I think about her, right before I fall asleep. Sometimes I wish that I will dream about her, and most of the time I don’t.

I hold her in the back of my mind with everything I do. And, lately I have grown a heavy interest in makeup – simply because post accutane, my face can (sometimes) manage the new foundation, the lipstick that won’t make my lips dry. I imagine her working the Lancome counter at Lazarus – the job she kept that helped raise her two daughters.

When I apply my lipstick, I don’t see myself sometimes. Instead I see her leaning over the counter in the downstairs bathroom, applying her makeup perfectly – her red lipstick, her blush, and lastly her Lancome perfume – a scent that rests peacefully in my nostrils like a memory I can’t shake – and I probably wouldn’t want to if I could.

I think of this picture that rests on my aunt’s side table because it is perfect. Her makeup is perfect and she probably spent several minutes applying it. I think of her in heaven and I wonder if angels apply makeup or maybe they don’t have to because angels don’t believe in masks when they fly amongst the clouds.

I don’t how old my grandmother was when the photo was taken, but each time I think of her, I see her. My grandmother was always my friend, but I never reached the age before her death, where it was okay to talk about womanhood – where I could easily talk to her about grown up relationships, or my career or simply, how to apply the perfect shade of lipstick and how to put my blush on correctly. Thankfully, I am lucky to have my mother to answer these questions, but I miss my grandmother a lot sometimes.

When I close my eyes tonight I will envision my grandmother just as she is in the photograph. She will have the same smile and the perfect makeup up. Only this time she is sporting a perfect set of angel wings.

twenty two year old trying to make sense of her life (lol)

let me tell you about life – it is hard and it’s stressful and it isn’t fair.
most of the time, it breaks your heart.

at twenty two, you would think by now I would know everything I needed to know about life, but I don’t.
At twenty two you would think I would have all the answers about friendships, romance, the future. Sometimes all I seem to know is that my favorite drink is a long island iced tea, that the highest point on this earth is Mount Everest, and that my boyfriend prefers fried rice with his Chinese food – he is the only one I know that prefers that.

So tonight, as I stare at my computer screen attempting to write an analytical response for my 20th Century English course, I decided to contemplate about my life – try to get some closure, take a breathe of fresh air. For this reason, the fact that I procrastinate is the very reason I question whether or not I will make it to my college graduation – funny how that works.

I am taking the topic of friendships and I envision myself holding it within my palm and I think of the friendships I lost years ago and I wonder what they are up to now and I thank them for helping me grow up. No one quite understands you the way your adolescent friends know you – they saw your acne scars and your smile covered in braces and then sometimes you just have to accept that friendships fall apart. it’s okay, forgive yourself. And then I think of the friendships I recently had to let go of. Friendship is a two way street and it’s okay to grow apart. Just forgive yourself and your friends for growing older. Thank them but let go. Nothing good comes from holding on to what is no longer there. Stop looking at their photos, and most importantly stope looking at photos from what used to be there. Move on and embrace the new friendships that you have.

Romance was something I always wrote about. I seemed to have a plan on how and when I would fall in love, writing that my dream man lived in London probably and I would find him as soon as I moved there after becoming a successful author. The universe laughs at planned lives. You aren’t supposed to plan anything, just go where the universe takes you. And trust me, it works. You will meet a man and you will know his order at chipotle and know that he never sleeps with his ceiling fan on because he gets too cold, and he sometimes coordinates his shoes with his shirts. And knowing these little things would be one hundred percent better than meeting any man in London. Because he is yours.

The word future gives me both extreme anxiety and excitement at the same time and is a topic that I often put aside. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I have an idea but I still don’t know for sure. Society tells me that I have to know, that being a mere six months from graduation that I MUST know. I MUST have had at least one internship to get me to a big girl job or else you might as well live paycheck to paycheck. I like to believe that that isn’t true, but it is still what keeps me awake at night.

I like to think that this post has helped me come to terms with where I am at in my life, at the age of twenty two. I am both confused and not at all lonely, but somewhat excited and also tired and frustrated. But I suppose those emotions are emotions of a healthy twenty two year old. (Or, I like to think so).