let me tell you about life – it is hard and it’s stressful and it isn’t fair.
most of the time, it breaks your heart.
at twenty two, you would think by now I would know everything I needed to know about life, but I don’t.
At twenty two you would think I would have all the answers about friendships, romance, the future. Sometimes all I seem to know is that my favorite drink is a long island iced tea, that the highest point on this earth is Mount Everest, and that my boyfriend prefers fried rice with his Chinese food – he is the only one I know that prefers that.
So tonight, as I stare at my computer screen attempting to write an analytical response for my 20th Century English course, I decided to contemplate about my life – try to get some closure, take a breathe of fresh air. For this reason, the fact that I procrastinate is the very reason I question whether or not I will make it to my college graduation – funny how that works.
I am taking the topic of friendships and I envision myself holding it within my palm and I think of the friendships I lost years ago and I wonder what they are up to now and I thank them for helping me grow up. No one quite understands you the way your adolescent friends know you – they saw your acne scars and your smile covered in braces and then sometimes you just have to accept that friendships fall apart. it’s okay, forgive yourself. And then I think of the friendships I recently had to let go of. Friendship is a two way street and it’s okay to grow apart. Just forgive yourself and your friends for growing older. Thank them but let go. Nothing good comes from holding on to what is no longer there. Stop looking at their photos, and most importantly stope looking at photos from what used to be there. Move on and embrace the new friendships that you have.
Romance was something I always wrote about. I seemed to have a plan on how and when I would fall in love, writing that my dream man lived in London probably and I would find him as soon as I moved there after becoming a successful author. The universe laughs at planned lives. You aren’t supposed to plan anything, just go where the universe takes you. And trust me, it works. You will meet a man and you will know his order at chipotle and know that he never sleeps with his ceiling fan on because he gets too cold, and he sometimes coordinates his shoes with his shirts. And knowing these little things would be one hundred percent better than meeting any man in London. Because he is yours.
The word future gives me both extreme anxiety and excitement at the same time and is a topic that I often put aside. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I mean, I have an idea but I still don’t know for sure. Society tells me that I have to know, that being a mere six months from graduation that I MUST know. I MUST have had at least one internship to get me to a big girl job or else you might as well live paycheck to paycheck. I like to believe that that isn’t true, but it is still what keeps me awake at night.
I like to think that this post has helped me come to terms with where I am at in my life, at the age of twenty two. I am both confused and not at all lonely, but somewhat excited and also tired and frustrated. But I suppose those emotions are emotions of a healthy twenty two year old. (Or, I like to think so).