on loving yourself

The first time I ever fell in love I was four and it was in the grocery line at the local Big Bear. It was winter and I was wearing my favorite purple coat.  Inside I held close to me a small Beanie Baby. His name was Derby and I knew he was cold so I held him safely in my pocket as I watched my mother hand the cashier our groceries.

He was small and over time his stitching became rough, and his snout began to sport several different stains – one in which was from me trying to feed him sweet and sour chicken.  I loved him though, so much so that I could not fall asleep without him tucked inside my arms. It was easy to love the little tiny Beanie Baby that my grandmother had given me on a cold winter’s day. At four I loved everything, but I always loved Derby more.

When I got older I loved several different things – my bicycle, my swing set that my father built for me when I was ten. I have fallen in love with places. The places I have been – Paris and London and New York. And I have even fallen in love with the places I have yet to visit – Italy, the West Coast, Hawaii. I have fallen in love with several different foods and fictional characters from my favorite novels or television dramas.

But, sometimes love can be hard and that’s what people don’t tell you about love as you’re clutching your first love at the age of four in a local grocery store line.

I can love everything and anyone who puts a smile on my face, but another thing no one else ever tells you is just how hard it can be sometimes to love yourself.

People always say “you need to love yourself first” but what happens when you don’t know to do that? When people can tell you you’re beautiful until they’re blue in the face? You don’t believe it because more often than not, your mirror is your worst enemy and sometimes you catch yourself watching what you eat and even though you know deep in your heart that counting calories is no way to live a life, you find yourself doing it anyway.

Sometimes, it is hard to love yourself as much as you loved your Beanie Baby when you were four in the local grocery store line.

Why can’t you love yourself like you love the Eiffel Tower? You marvel at your beauty but why can’t you marvel at your own?

When I write questions such as these I have no answer for them. Only more questions, like “if you worry this much about yourself and care this much about yourself – does that count as love too?”

But then I look at everything I loved at the age of four and I knew that that Emily would still love the Emily I am now, no matter how many flaws I see when I look in the mirror – and then begin loving myself.

Sorry if this post is all over the place – its been awhile since I have written, but I have to clear away the sludge somehow!

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mess

yesterday i was feeling excited – tried sushi for the first time, celebrated a friend’s 21st birthday over shots of Captain Morgan and unstoppable laughter. 

Yet today, here I am laying on my family room floor after working out the never-ending love handles that seem to rest on my hips, feeling sad for no reason at all, it seems. Maybe it’s because it’s still winter but the sun is shining and the vitamin C doesn’t seem to be affecting me at all. 

I have at least ten other things I should be doing but I choose to lay on this carpet anyway, thinking about them not getting done. And then I get frustrated again because I have things to do.

And how silly of me is this? Emily, don’t you know that this is life? Don’t you know that life consists of to do lists and cold winter temperatures and occasional low self esteem? What are you doing just laying on your family room floor?

Am I really just a mess? Or am I just an over dramatic twenty one year old woman.

Sometimes I’m not so sure. 

hey friends old & new,

It’s been awhile and I am doing fine. fine? I think so. I mean I still have my days where I my mind floats from one thing to another but the one thing that always remains constant is just how much I truly miss blogging and writing. I always say that I will return, that I will begin writing on a regular basis but I have never committed and for that I am truly sorry.

Maybe that is why my mind always floats – begins I never get my thoughts down on paper like I used to. I haven’t shared the fact that I am now a twenty one year old woman and I know that some would argue that I became a woman when I turned eighteen but I don’t believe that – who I was then and who I am now are so far apart that I’m not even sure they were ever the same person. Or how now matter how old you are, you are growing up and sometimes that means growing apart, too.

Or how I’m not returning to London this summer like I had hoped and how it completely broke my heart. But I am trying to take defeats as lessons rather than misfortunes. Such as each night as I go to do my homework and the copious amounts of pages I have to read or the papers I have to write, I thank God that I am blessed to be attending college at all.

But winter still continues to linger on, and the days are still rather long, the air chilly and the ground covered with dirty snow. I am getting by, and I hope you all are too.

❤ Emily

what i have planned for my 21st year.

no, against popular opinion i do not plan on spending every single weekend out in the bars drinking my life away.

although, that would be nice – but i’ll be responsible.

this passed Tuesday I turned the infamous number of 21. it was great and lovely and all things fantastic and even though I have lived twenty wonderful years on this earth I made a list of things I am changing about my life now that I am 21.

1. I will stop being so damn hard on myself. If I want to have a piece of chocolate cake at midnight, I will do it with wonderful pleasure and I will no longer count the calories of each bite and calculate how many minutes I need to run to burn all the calories off. I am 21, and I will enjoy my great metabolism while I still have it.

2. I will continue to read great books, even if that means I am sitting alone in my bedroom on a Saturday night instead of dressing up for some random house party or club scene that I won’t get much out of anyways, except some random drunk guy asking me to make out with him. No, I am classy and have morals. Heck, I’m not even wearing a short dress. Do I look like I will make out with you?

3. I’ll be more open minded and take the challenges that life throws at me as a blessing rather than a misfortune. Who in this world has ever become stronger or learned certain life lessons without challenges?

4. I’ll have more courage to stand up for myself. If someone is rude or mean to me, I will show them just how rude and mean I can be. Sorry, did that just sound rude and mean? Sorry.

5. (I just added this one because of #4). I will stop saying sorry for speaking my mind and saying how I feel.

6. I’ll decorate my room beautifully and keep it clean at my mother’s request and I will even vacuum and dust if need be, but I won’t take down my pink wallpaper because even though I am 21, every girl enjoys pink and I refuse to not enjoy it.

7. I will no longer fight for someone to be in my life. That’s high school – middle school even. If I have to beg you to be my friend, and bend over backwards to get you to hang out with me then I will show you the door out of my life. For the record though, I have a great sense of humor and awesome taste in music so you probably should hang out with me.

8. I read somewhere that the most sexiest thing is the idea of being wanted instead of just being someone’s second choice or being there for someone else’s convenience. Or being comfortable with yourself is sexy, instead of flaunting your boobs or wearing a short skirt. So, I’m going to always be myself and hopefully I’ll come off as confident and sexy instead of awkward and weird. But, I’m pretty sure I passed the awkward part of my life at 14. I’m pretty sure I am still awkward

9. I will no longer respond to text messages that only consist of the letter “k” but I will always answer to ones in which include a one direction reference or an Ed Sheeran song lyric. Or pictures of food, those are awesome too.

10. I will continue to secretly wish I was Tina Fey. Maybe in the dream universe that consists in my head – I am her.

Happy 21st year to me!!

it’s been awhile

it seems like an eternity has passed since i last took the time to write. i am finding out that as each day passes in which i no longer write, i end up missing it more and more. at the end of each day i yell at myself for not writing – as if i am missing a piece of myself each time i refuse to write.

not too much is happening in my life besides long hours at my waitressing job and monotonous routine of going to class and catching busses and beating city traffic. the leaves are falling and changing and the days are becoming shorter and life seems to be going by way to fast. but it always does, and it seems as though it always will.

i turn twenty one in a three short weeks, and i have no idea how i got here and how strange it will be to order a margarita at my favorite mexican restaurant in the short north. it’s the little things that make life more exciting.

i have been reading a lot lately – four books in two short weeks. two of those books being the same, so maybe it doesn’t count as four new ones. into the wild was a phenomenal book and i devoured it whole and soaked up all it’s precious words and cried at the story behind them. my life was changed.

i am tired and it’s a saturday night and my room is cold. i moved into my older brother’s old bedroom, and it’s walls are green and although i have been sleeping inside it’s walls for the last month, this room still feels foreign.

it is 10:08pm October 19, 2013 and i am happy. i am content. this is bliss.

Quote

“The sea’s only…

“The sea’s only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don’t know much about the sea, but I do know that that’s the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.”

– Into The Wild